[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
this makes me so uncomfortable
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!