My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
mariah carrie
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.