The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I am also baked goods
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.