The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting