The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Wednesday
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.