The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
B
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.