@Mr57percent

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

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@upsidedowntrash

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

@jen_says_nah

If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours

Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..

*pizza stays

*happy tears

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@jake_likes_naps

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

@SJKSalisbury

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

@chagger73

It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”

@Sarcasticsapien

Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.