The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”