The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.


“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”


*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*



Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher


Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you


Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a