The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,