The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end