@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

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@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@BuckyIsotope

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

@DatingLeah

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@fro_vo

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

@Rachelnoise

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”

@iamspacegirl

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light