The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.