The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog