I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come