The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
mechanics be like
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.