the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad