The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
time for some seasonal decor
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My current situation
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.