The Onion called it…again.
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable