@offbeatoliv: The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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@egg_dog: cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
@NickBossRoss: You'd think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
@McGrumpenstein: CAT: so thirsty ME: *gives water* CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose* CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
@AbbieEvansXO: Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive Me: can I just text them