@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

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@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

@iwearaonesie

8: ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on

@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.

@SondraDeeMe

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@tsm560

In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.

@jazmasta

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today