@offbeatoliv: The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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@skickwriter: Him: *running* That's not what they mean when they say, "Chicks dig scars!" Me: *shovel in hand* It's what this chick means.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
@FrogAvalanche: Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*
@Book_Krazy: Hub: When was your first kiss Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks Hub: Didn't you have a frog named Brent Me: I hate you