The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
pictures of spider-man
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.