The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time