@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

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@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@shelbyfero

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”

@maxhaarhaus

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

@MandiAtRandom

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

@Smethanie

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.