The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death
Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.