the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
it’s finally my moment to shine
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”