Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
the rocks need my help
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed