the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads