The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Breaking news:
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.