@Donna_McCoy

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

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@LoisShearing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@drinksmcgee

Municipal Government: Try to stay home
Provincial Government: Try to stay home
Federal Government: Try to stay home
My boss: See you tomorrow

@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@Burnam1

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.