The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Trumpy Cat
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
it be like that
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother