A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.