The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.

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[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?


Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.


Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.


ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*


Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?


if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t


A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.


He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.


I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.


People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.