@Steelers1972

The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.

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@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@Jandalize

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

@UniqueDude2

if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t

@AaronFullerton

A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.

@DamonHunzeker

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.