I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads