The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe


It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.


They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.


M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time


These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness