The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase


“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.


When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.


“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”


mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm


From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.


I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.


This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads