[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness