The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The 6 types of sex
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb