The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
what could possibly go wrong?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!