@UnFitz

The only essential oil in my life can be found inside of a deep fryer.

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@rebrafsim

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@pintofdraft

I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.

@skedaddle74

I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”

@MomOnFire

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@_lesleyallan

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried