The only essential oil in my life can be found inside of a deep fryer.

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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky


ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*


A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless


I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.


I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”


You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.


i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels


“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden


Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried