when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.