@thetobbie

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

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@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@tracietom

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@SeanBlazed

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

@skedaddle74

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

@EAlMansy

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

@sonictyrant

Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.