The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel


There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH


when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”


The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.


Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.


-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful


My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark


The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.


Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in


Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.