The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.