Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
You Might Also Like
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
this is uni
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics