Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good