The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for