@shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

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@pc62488

If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.

@SondraDeeMe

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@heartlessX0

Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@ParanoidParker

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”