The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

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cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*


THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-


[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughterโ€™s piano recital


“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.


KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…


I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.


Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.


Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate


[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic