The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
me, after any kind of buffet.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.