The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Loses house keys. Builds new house.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

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