Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.