The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

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Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.


If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.


Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?


Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.


I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.