@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

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@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@AmishPornStar1

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

@Innocent_Knave

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

@Robert_Beau

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

@PajamaStew

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

@ChiefTwittler

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.