The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
also my go-to takeaway order
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome