banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
You Might Also Like
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.