The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.