The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
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George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
i- i did not expect this
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.