The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?