My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Note to self: I am a note
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.