mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You Might Also Like
Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
*wipes blood off hands with napkin* I said no onions
Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”
Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.
I hate everything
I’m not yelling you’re yelling, she yelled
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.