The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.


Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”


Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.


I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.