The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*puts words between two asterisks*
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.