The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
set yourself free xox
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.