@Owl_Meat

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

You Might Also Like

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@FilthyRichmond

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@BuckyIsotope

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@0point5twins

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

@HomeProbably

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.