The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?