[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.