The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot


I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything


Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.


IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?


[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*


[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?