The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

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[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?


Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.


My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches


Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.


*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*


Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.


Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.


I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.


Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.