The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.