WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.